Transgressions

I am imperfect, and therefore have many faults.

Errors and mistakes in my life have been made. While it took me longer to learn certain lessons, I learned them nonetheless.

Currently, I’m suffering from depression and a gambling addiction. The addiction is my cross to bear and mine alone. The depression – I’m trying to overcome by seeing a therapist. I tried medication, but it seemed to only make things worse. In all honesty, I actually seem to have better control using coping techniques learned via reading or during my therapy sessions. Nonetheless, it hasn’t gotten much better.

Some days are better than others, but lately they haven’t been very good.

I live my parents. They’re both gamblers and they actually had an addiction before mine started (do addictions start or have they always been there?). My father had a stroke in 2012, and during that time I decided to break up with my then boyfriend, so I moved back to Tulsa, OK to help anyway I could. Things just fell into place for it to work out that way.

Thankfully, my father got better and I tried moving out several times. Sadly, I let my addiction get in the way and the depression got worse. There for a while, I thought I was going to end up dead due to depression because I didn’t have anywhere or anyone to turn to. I lost my only friend due to my gambling addiction after I spent rent money at the casino and she was the only one working at the time.

Since then, things still haven’t gotten much better. There seemed to be a sliver of hope there for a few months, but everything fell apart again. Two months sober and I ruined it all. It was my decision, but my gambling-addicted mother brought it up and it only made me want to go out all the more.

There’s stress at home thanks to my parents. Because they’re far in debt thanks to their gambling (they lost a house) and my mother recently lost her job, they become incredibly vindictive and take out their frustration with life out on myself, 19-year-old niece, and her fiancée.

My niece and her fiancée moved in with us recently in attempts of getting on their feet. This would be the first time for my niece. They got jobs right away thanks to me, and they’ve been doing fantastic in their first week. This Friday they get paid, but my parents demand they move out knowing fully well they cannot.

I planned on moving out with my niece and her fiancée, but the stress won out over everything else. I quit my job because it was the one thing I could control, even if it would set me in a worse spot not having any income to help move out. This fueled my parents’ frustration and they’ve taken it out on my niece and her husband-to-be.

I love my parents and I appreciate everything they’ve done. I wish I hadn’t made so many mistakes, but I’m trying my best. It just never seems to be good enough. And of course, the depression comes knocking on my door every 30-60 days and I allow it to ruin everything.

All I can do is keep my head up, search for new employment, and hope by still moving out with my niece and nephew-in-law that somehow it helps. A new environment away from an incredibly stressful one living with fellow gamblers might be the ticket. I just pray it’s enough.

Depression and addictions are a real thing. If you need help, please seek it out.

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